r****e
发帖数: 3373 | 1 前几天去参观barbara mandrell的豪宅，听到这个。 | r****e
发帖数: 3373 | 2 看完夜场的hansel and gretel，回来读到这篇影评，笑死我了。娜娜，whatever
happens, stay cool. 嗯，生日快乐！
Requiem for a Fairy Tale: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
By Rex Reed 1/29 5:02pm
Once upon a time, about eight centuries ago, when Little Red Riding Hood was
being eaten by a wolf in granny glasses, there lived a pair of starving
orphans named Hansel and Gretel who were lured into a house in the woods
made entirely of candy and cookies by a grotesque old hag who intended to
fatten them up and chow down. But the siblings outsmarted the old witch,
popped her in the oven instead, and escaped, vowing never, as long they
lived, to eat gingerbread again. This gruesome tale was translated by the
Brothers Grimm in 1812 from a German fable that dates back to 1315. It’s
been delighting children ever since, in numerous movies, cartoons and operas
, and now finds its way back to the shopping mall cineplex in the hobbled
IMAX splatterfest Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. Times have changed. In an
age of zombies, werewolves and oversexed vampires, teens won’t be shaking
in their Uggs over ugly women with bad teeth flying around on brooms, and
with its graphic depictions of tortures, mutilations, gang rapes and myriad
examples of child abuse, it’s no longer a fairy tale suitable for children.
I’m not sure it’s much of a movie for anybody else, either. Hansel grew up
to be Jeremy Renner, from The Hurt Locker. Gretel grew up to be Gemma
Arterton, one of the dullest of all Bond girls in Quantum of Solace. Both of
them are clearly slumming. Devoting their lives to saving other children
from carnivorous witches, goblins and other pedophiles, they take on
sheriffs, preachers, hysterical mobs and whole towns hell-bent on burning
real witches, while saving innocent girls falsely accused of “consorting
with the spawn of the devil.” They are bounty hunters called in by a
terrified village where the children are disappearing. Killing witches keeps
them in groceries. They get extra for trolls. But Hansel has a heart—as
well as a raging Johnson that needs attention. After saving a pretty redhead
from a bonfire with her name on it, the first thing he does is join her
skinny-dipping. He takes to nudity fast, but don’t offer him a Baby Ruth.
Suffering from candy poisoning contracted years ago when he was trying to
eat his way out of that gingerbread house, he has to jam a primitive
hypodermic needle of medieval insulin into his body every day to stay alive.
Meanwhile, Gretel gets her kicks, too, as a scantily-clad medieval pepper
pot with throbbing cleavage who attracts the fanatic attention of a friendly
, humongous troll named Edward with a head the size of a Volks-
wagen. Then she is rescued, from one of her many attempted rapes at the
hands of a gang of rival witch hunters who keep flesh-eating dogs, by a
teenage groupie who hides her in his hut in the forest and tries awkwardly
to be a host. (“I’m sorry, would you like some porridge?”) Yes, there are
fans and autograph hunters in the 14th century, too. I figure one Hansel
and Gretel is worth two Rapunzels.
Norwegian B-movie writer-director Tommy Wirkola makes his bid for Hollywood
action glory with this R-rated hokum, providing plenty of regurgitated
violence mixed with a few random licks of humor—a formula he examined more
creatively in his gory but hair-raising 2009 horror picnic Dead Snow, about
a present-day group of good-looking medical students on a skiing vacation
who find themselves at the mercy of a battalion of frozen Nazi zombies on
icy slopes in Bavaria. This time, the comedy is forced and corny. I had fun
for a while watching the primitive spikes, guns, slings and other toys of
mass destruction, and enjoyed Famke Janssen as a powerful witch named Muriel
, flying across the moon on primitive pitchforks, searching for the heart of
a good witch like Billie Burke and conjuring gross-out spells like “The
Hunger for Crawling Things.” But I doubt that they had Strike Anywhere
matches in the 14th century, and I’m pretty sure nobody said things like “
Whatever happens, stay cool.”
Whatever happens, stay home. | j*****x
发帖数: 18139 | 3 看表看表
美东都过了日子了
送贺礼都迟到，咋整呢
【在 r****e 的大作中提到】
: 前几天去参观barbara mandrell的豪宅，听到这个。
| x***n
发帖数: 10764 | 4 罚款，奔个尾巴吧...
【在 j*****x 的大作中提到】
: 看表看表
: 美东都过了日子了
: 送贺礼都迟到，咋整呢
| r****e
发帖数: 3373 | 5 这还是多亏了乐子提醒啊。。
【在 j*****x 的大作中提到】
: 看表看表
: 美东都过了日子了
: 送贺礼都迟到，咋整呢
| r****e
发帖数: 3373 | 6 家里来了老人，我正好嫌整天带两个手机上班麻烦，就把personal cell留给他们了。
结果刚才回来，他们给我看，才发现乐子的短信。。
【在 x***n 的大作中提到】
: 罚款，奔个尾巴吧...
| x***n
发帖数: 10764 | 7 还好，不是哪个美女的短信...
【在 r****e 的大作中提到】
: 家里来了老人，我正好嫌整天带两个手机上班麻烦，就把personal cell留给他们了。
: 结果刚才回来，他们给我看，才发现乐子的短信。。
| r****e
发帖数: 3373 | 8
【在 x***n 的大作中提到】
: 还好，不是哪个美女的短信...
| j*****x
发帖数: 18139 | 9 现在都有尾巴可以奔了？亚历山大啊
【在 x***n 的大作中提到】
: 罚款，奔个尾巴吧...
| x***n
发帖数: 10764 | 10 嗯，不过就你有好多条，所以还是你最牛！
【在 j*****x 的大作中提到】
: 现在都有尾巴可以奔了？亚历山大啊
| j*****x
发帖数: 18139 | 11 每一条都有每一条的用处啊
这条是挡风的，那条是遮雨的
有的用了保持平衡，有的用来当沙发用
所以多只是分工细致，却并不富裕
别人要是有了一条，多功能的就也够用啦
【在 x***n 的大作中提到】
: 嗯，不过就你有好多条，所以还是你最牛！
| l******k
发帖数: 27533 | 12 还whatever happens
最大的问题就是你忘记了没赶上！
前几天我跟她说你跟牛筋会不会冒泡，她对你是信心十足呀，哼
was
【在 r****e 的大作中提到】
: 看完夜场的hansel and gretel，回来读到这篇影评，笑死我了。娜娜，whatever
: happens, stay cool. 嗯，生日快乐！
: Requiem for a Fairy Tale: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
: By Rex Reed 1/29 5:02pm
: Once upon a time, about eight centuries ago, when Little Red Riding Hood was
: being eaten by a wolf in granny glasses, there lived a pair of starving
: orphans named Hansel and Gretel who were lured into a house in the woods
: made entirely of candy and cookies by a grotesque old hag who intended to
: fatten them up and chow down. But the siblings outsmarted the old witch,
: popped her in the oven instead, and escaped, vowing never, as long they
| l******k
发帖数: 27533 | 13 但短信肯定写的是为美女祝寿呀
oops~~~!
【在 x***n 的大作中提到】
: 还好，不是哪个美女的短信...
| M****N
发帖数: 16093 | 14 这。。。没跪主板吧。。。
【在 r****e 的大作中提到】
: 家里来了老人，我正好嫌整天带两个手机上班麻烦，就把personal cell留给他们了。
: 结果刚才回来，他们给我看，才发现乐子的短信。。
|
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