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发帖数: 4796 | 1 就是前几年在奥斯卡颁奖典礼上侮辱小黄人的那个黑不溜秋穆斯林小丑
She wanted to go slow; he wanted to go fast. She told the world. Is Aziz
Ansari a victim or a perpetrator?
The Aziz Ansari cultural moment was inevitable.
Ansari, the immensely talented actor who just won a Golden Globe for his
work on “Master of None,” has been very publicly accused of unwanted
sexual aggression during a first date by an anonymous 23-year-old woman who
met him at an Emmy after-party last year.
Her story, “I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst
night of my life,” on the website Babe, has sparked intense conversation,
some of it along generational lines, about whether in this “Me Too” moment
women are going overboard, mistaking seduction for harassment.
The Atlantic’s Caitlin Flanagan, 56, described the story as “revenge porn,
” meant to humiliate Ansari. The Guardian’s Jessica Valenti, 39, on the
other hand, said that where men might see an “everyday, reasonable sexual
interaction,” women are saying “what the culture considers ‘normal’
sexual encounters are not working for us, and oftentimes harmful.”
Flanagan and Valenti are both spot on. A single complaint by a nameless
accuser has tarnished the reputation of a man who should probably do a
better job communicating with his sex partner. I’m frankly not sure that a
public shaming is the best way to drive that lesson home. Or that this is
really any of our business.
::
In the last three months, dozens of men — many of them household names —
have been called out and punished for their horrendous sexual mistreatment
of women (and some men). This reckoning was long overdue, and hard won.
Women such as the actor Rose McGowan risked their livelihoods and emotional
well being to confront men like Harvey Weinstein, nearly omnipotent and
willing to professionally kneecap women who dared to tell the truth about
him.
The Weinsteins of the world (and the Charlie Roses, Matt Lauers, Mark
Halperins, and hey, I could go on forever) are easy to condemn. They used
their power to sexually assault women, then coerce their silence.
Women have the right to a harassment-free workplace. I have little patience
for the sad men who now wonder whether it’s OK to tell a colleague she
looks nice, who complain that innocent office flirtation has been ruined, or
claim that no one really knows how to behave with anyone anymore.
Come on now, guys. It’s not that hard. Treat your colleagues with respect
and professionalism.
When it comes to dating, the lines are much fuzzier. And the privacy issues
are much more troubling. Babe Editor Amanda Ross told me she had no
hesitation about granting anonymity to “Grace,” because her accusations
were “of a sexual nature.” “It was never a question for us,” said Ross,
24. “We know who Grace is, we vetted her story extensively. We asked her
for everything. She is so wonderful and just wanted to tell her story. No
problem.”
But there is a problem. No pattern of behavior was demonstrated in the Babe
story. No crimes were alleged. Ansari stands charged with making his unnamed
date feel uncomfortable, and among other things, offering her white wine
instead of red, which she prefers. The story, and its intimate level of
detail, just doesn’t seem fair.
As a woman who became single after many years of marriage, I can tell you
something I think is true for many women: When I like a man, I have a much
higher tolerance for sexually aggressive behavior than when I don’t. Yet
even if I like someone, I will not be rushed into doing something that makes
me uncomfortable.
But I have a lot of years on “Grace,” who was only 22 when she went out
with Ansari.
::
On Babe, a sassy website aimed at women 18 to 24, “Grace” described a date
that started out with wine at Ansari’s home, a pleasant dinner at a
restaurant aboard a schooner in the Hudson, then an aggressive seduction
that left her feeling abused. She was uncomfortable “at how quickly things
escalated.”
“Grace” gave Ansari what she described as “verbal and non-verbal cues to
indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was.” She couldn’t tell,
though, whether Ansari was oblivious to her cues or ignoring them.
Her descriptions of their sexual interactions are graphic, and intended to
mortify Ansari. Yet he didn’t force her to do anything. Sometimes she
complied with his sexual requests, sometimes she resisted. What is clear, in
her telling, is that she remained ambivalent during the encounter. She did
not initiate any of the action, which is not unusual for a woman, even in
consensual and mutually satisfying encounters.
Ansari, 34, sounds like an inflamed teenager whose intermittent attempts at
sensitivity were overruled by his hormones. In a grown man, that is nothing
short of creepy.
Here we have an eternal dilemma; two people together, but on two separate
emotional trajectories: “Grace” was delighted to be going out with a
famous actor who has posed as someone sensitive and interested in women’s
issue. She was disappointed and confused when he turned out to be crass and
sexually aggressive. Ansari was disappointed and confused when she later
told him she was upset.
“It was fun meeting you last night,” Ansari texted, according to a
screengrab published by Babe.
“Last night might’ve been fun for you, but it wasn’t for me,” she
replied. “You ignored clear non-verbal cues; you kept going with advances.
I want to make sure you’re aware so maybe the next girl doesn’t have to
cry on the ride home.”
Ansari: “I’m so sad to hear this. Clearly, I misread things in the moment
and I’m truly sorry.”
I, too, am truly sorry that “Grace” had such an awful experience. My
daughter is about her age, and if a man treated my girl that way, I would be
furious and hurt on her behalf. I would also caution her about the
importance of verbally setting boundaries and how celebrities make terrible
romantic prospects because they are so often warped by their fame, money and
power.
I would also tell her that we need to be clear about the difference between
sexual assault and horny dudes who move too fast on dates. Both may exist on
a continuum of disrespect for women, but one is not the same as the other.
Mostly, though, I would tell her to get the hell out.
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Twitter: @AbcarianLAT |
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