p****x
发帖数: 980 | 1 【 以下文字转载自 WaterWorld 讨论区 】
发信人: ppddxx (孟楠), 信区: WaterWorld
标 题: 原创笑话 on-crowded-subway
关键字: 原创，笑话
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Fri May 13 12:57:46 2011, 美东)
Yesterday, I was on the crowded subway standing face to face with a hottie.
We were so close that my cheek was burning. The whole car could feel my
heat.
“They should turn the heat off. It is spring already”, a guy complained. I
didn’t say anything.
“ Are they playing drums on the train?” A lady said, looking around for
drummers. “Those were my heartbeats.” I whispered to her in embarrassment.
More jokes here
http://www.yuehaixiao.net/2011/05/on-crowded-subway.html |
D********e
发帖数: 2452 | |
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 3 Thanks for the comments... I have more jokes to share...
What kinds of jokes do you like? What topics? |
a*o
发帖数: 25262 | 4 Ask yourself a question first:
Who are your audiences? |
i**********o
发帖数: 5993 | 5 none
【在 a*o 的大作中提到】
: Ask yourself a question first:
: Who are your audiences?
|
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 6 I usually post these jokes on facebook.
so I guess those ppl are my audience.
they like those jokes.
I write chinese jokes too, but
not very often
【在 a*o 的大作中提到】
: Ask yourself a question first:
: Who are your audiences?
|
l*******j
发帖数: 453 | 7 我也看过一个，非原创。
Two ladies in Beijing are complaining the crowded subway.
"you know what, I got abortion, coz the subway is too crowded."
"that's not too bad, I got pregnant." |
a*o
发帖数: 25262 | 8 This one is much better....haha...
【在 l*******j 的大作中提到】
: 我也看过一个，非原创。
: Two ladies in Beijing are complaining the crowded subway.
: "you know what, I got abortion, coz the subway is too crowded."
: "that's not too bad, I got pregnant."
|
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 9 Nice!
BTW, is that you in that profile photo
?
You look familar
【在 l*******j 的大作中提到】
: 我也看过一个，非原创。
: Two ladies in Beijing are complaining the crowded subway.
: "you know what, I got abortion, coz the subway is too crowded."
: "that's not too bad, I got pregnant."
|
l*******j
发帖数: 453 | 10 yes, it is me.
Like who?
【在 p****x 的大作中提到】
: Nice!
: BTW, is that you in that profile photo
: ?
: You look familar
|
|
|
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 11 like a facebook friend ... |
l*******j
发帖数: 453 | 12 show me her facebook page, I'd like to make friends with her.
【在 p****x 的大作中提到】
: like a facebook friend ...
|
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 13 too bad I only remember how she looks but not her name... |
l*******j
发帖数: 453 | 14 Fine, you may message me your facebook ID, I'll see whether you are my
friend there.
【在 p****x 的大作中提到】
: too bad I only remember how she looks but not her name...
|
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 15 sure, pls check your inbox. |
t*******y
发帖数: 11968 | |
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 17 Yes,please
【在 t*******y 的大作中提到】
: 这个笑话里有些问题, 要不要我给你指出?
|
t*******y
发帖数: 11968 | 18 "Yesterday, I was on the crowded subway standing"
on A crowded subway 冠词用的不对
"We were so close that my cheek was burning."
这个 so..that..里我觉得从We第一人称转到my cheek第三人称的转折好生硬.
如果是从第三人称转到第一人称会感觉好很多. 但依从你的意思, 我会改成
We were so close that I could feel my cheek burning.
"The whole car could feel my heat."
这里你的意思是整车人都感觉到这种tension, 但是车厢不能有感觉啊,而且你怎么知道
别人能感觉到你的热度. 这里可以加点细节. 比方说, From the turning heads, I
could see people at the other end could feel the heat.
总之, 第一段的人称几次变化, 阅读很累, 这时已经不想笑了.
“They should turn the heat off. It is spring already”, a guy complained. I
didn’t say anything.
这段可以去掉了, 感觉没作用
“ Are they playing drums on the train?” A lady said
这个必须是The hottie 吧, 因为你后面whisper了, 说明距离很近
"Those were my heartbeats." 之前是"Are they", 对话中应保持时态统一, 这里应
是These are.
另外, "whispered to her" 改为 "whispered to her ear" 会有那种俏皮的感觉, 前
者感觉像强迫
My 2 cents |
p****x
发帖数: 980 | 19 Thank you for your meticulous feedback, TD!
I particularly like this comment:
“ Are they playing drums on the train?” A lady said
这个必须是The hottie 吧
有童鞋建议我在最后加上一句：
then the hottie say, "they should ban pets on subway. A dog is humping my
leg"！ hottie 的反应会比较吸引人。
不过一般是说 “On THE subway",泛指”地铁“。
一般不说"On A subway"。
如果用”a"
的话，要变成"On a subway train"。
另外，我觉得行文简洁的话可能效果比较好点。
谢谢你的宝贵意见！
Your feedback is very helpful to me.
【在 t*******y 的大作中提到】
: "Yesterday, I was on the crowded subway standing"
: on A crowded subway 冠词用的不对
: "We were so close that my cheek was burning."
: 这个 so..that..里我觉得从We第一人称转到my cheek第三人称的转折好生硬.
: 如果是从第三人称转到第一人称会感觉好很多. 但依从你的意思, 我会改成
: We were so close that I could feel my cheek burning.
: "The whole car could feel my heat."
: 这里你的意思是整车人都感觉到这种tension, 但是车厢不能有感觉啊,而且你怎么知道
: 别人能感觉到你的热度. 这里可以加点细节. 比方说, From the turning heads, I
: could see people at the other end could feel the heat.
|
t*******y
发帖数: 11968 | 20
on the subway 是固定短语,不能分开,
若是on the crowded subway, 形容拥挤, 只能用A, train可以省略, 人人都知道什么
意思
【在 p****x 的大作中提到】
: Thank you for your meticulous feedback, TD!
: I particularly like this comment:
: “ Are they playing drums on the train?” A lady said
: 这个必须是The hottie 吧
: 有童鞋建议我在最后加上一句：
: then the hottie say, "they should ban pets on subway. A dog is humping my
: leg"！ hottie 的反应会比较吸引人。
: 不过一般是说 “On THE subway",泛指”地铁“。
: 一般不说"On A subway"。
: 如果用”a"
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t*******y
发帖数: 11968 | 21
leg"！ hottie 的反应会比较吸引人。
"always take off the last thing you put on"
【在 p****x 的大作中提到】
: Thank you for your meticulous feedback, TD!
: I particularly like this comment:
: “ Are they playing drums on the train?” A lady said
: 这个必须是The hottie 吧
: 有童鞋建议我在最后加上一句：
: then the hottie say, "they should ban pets on subway. A dog is humping my
: leg"！ hottie 的反应会比较吸引人。
: 不过一般是说 “On THE subway",泛指”地铁“。
: 一般不说"On A subway"。
: 如果用”a"
|
D********e
发帖数: 2452 | 22 赞专业。
【在 t*******y 的大作中提到】
:
: leg"！ hottie 的反应会比较吸引人。
: "always take off the last thing you put on"
|
a*o
发帖数: 25262 | 23 Put grammars aside, reading your jokes like reading a research paper.
Readers won't and can't laugh.
hottie.
I
【在 p****x 的大作中提到】
: Thank you for your meticulous feedback, TD!
: I particularly like this comment:
: “ Are they playing drums on the train?” A lady said
: 这个必须是The hottie 吧
: 有童鞋建议我在最后加上一句：
: then the hottie say, "they should ban pets on subway. A dog is humping my
: leg"！ hottie 的反应会比较吸引人。
: 不过一般是说 “On THE subway",泛指”地铁“。
: 一般不说"On A subway"。
: 如果用”a"
|
